Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
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When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…