ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
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Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I just realized my slack status for the last hour has said “hot dog” because I was searching for the hot dog emoji so I could note that I was at lunch but I just typed “hot dog” as my status and then it just gave me that lil 💬 guy as the emoji. Everyone’s slackin me “hot dog”
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
😂😂😂😂😂😂
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.