If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
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“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
The first matador
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”