*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
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just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Well, this explains it:
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet