why isn’t he texting back
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Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.