Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
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At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My son rolls his eyes when I use his lingo and that’s why I continue to do so.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.