🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
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wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan