Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
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[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
A sick whale is called an unwhale
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.