I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
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Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.