date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
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This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
I needed a laugh this morning.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero