I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Yup.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
So sick of all these stupid rules
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.