Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
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My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.