Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
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In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.