Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
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ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.