Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
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Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember