airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
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When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
absolutely not
it must be school picture day
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*