After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
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I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
I love the honesty
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!