It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
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Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time