“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
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Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*