“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
We need a kids TV show about a kid who can sit quietly in a shopping cart for 25 minutes.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”