Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
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[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Ah..makes sense now
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand