The USS B port
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When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.