Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
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In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.