Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
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I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?