A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
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they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Guys, I found it.
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…