Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
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Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.