As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
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9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?