extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
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Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.