10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
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The imaginary line that separates North and South in the US is determined by the amount of sugar in an iced tea
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
🤣🤣🤣🤣
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
New Tinder profile.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Very good! 👍😂
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..