Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
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ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
They did not think through this water fountain
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?