All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
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I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes