Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
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Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[shakes fist at other fist]
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
My kid, “How old are you?”
Me, “47. Wait, 46. No, 47. Dang, I’m not sure.”*Pulls out phone and did the math. Turns out it’s 46.*
Kid, “Maybe you’re only 36.”
Me, “You are my favorite.”
Kid, “…and really bad at math.”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this