doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
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I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
There are usually two types of merchants.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Hear me out: his and hers houses.