*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
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So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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