*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
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It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.