MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?
ME: yes
MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?
ME: yes
MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?
ME: yes
MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?
ME: yes
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pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
translated into Canadian
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]