[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
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Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
Happy Friday
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.