once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
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cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS