Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
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MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
I have obtained a hat
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
#ReplaceACelebWithAHouseHoldItem Nail Patrick Harris