Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
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PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
wow
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
No, you typed your password instead of the amount in the payment window.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living