Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
You Might Also Like
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
#math