Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
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this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.