A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
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There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Oh thanks BBC.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Social Media and Real life
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Confused owl: What?!
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”