Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
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Easy enough.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages