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Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
The Punning Dead.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?