If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
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You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography