What?!?
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coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly