This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
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Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.