My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
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Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
don’t we all
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.