My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
You Might Also Like
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Human are so complicated
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Social distancing in Australia:
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm